According to Smythson of Bond Street (purveyor of paperly goods to the Queen and Crown of England) "Etiquette is engaged in a permanent wrestling match with progress." Rules of social behavior change. And it is the shifting landscape to "acceptable" from "just isn't done" that often creates a schism between generations, between regions, and between cultures.
One example of a generational shift in etiquette is the use of first names. This shift toward the informal from formal address is common place -- from children referring to adults by their first name to business aquaintences using first names before being invited to do so. It seems a bit silly especially in the West where everything is a bit more relaxed, but for anyone who grew up with a strict mandate to use formal address until asked to do otherwise, it can be shocking and perhaps a tad offensive to some.
Another example of an etiquette fission between regions is how much silence to allow in a conversation. In the South (for the most part) it would be untoward and bad form to drop the "conversational ball " and allow swaths of silence to intrude. Southerners herald from the great tradition of the Brits in their ability to converse, weave a fabulous story and tell a tale -- it's what adds to their considerable charm. Conversation is an art form they've mastered well. Contrast this with the West, where the space is vast and the land arid. We typically like some space in our conversations to allow for consideration, rummination and thought. To find onesself engaged in a continual verbal volley is considered "bad form" and outright intrusive. We like our space in all its forms and guises.
We know how the French like to greet with a kiss on both cheeks; the Germans, with a firm handshake; the Japanese with a bow that can be slight to floor scrapping.
Living in the modern world means having to make manifold adjustments if for no other reason that to accommodate all the differences in style and substance we encounter daily. It's hard to be sure and I find I often do it with far less grace than I would hope for but what manners can offer each of us is a calming salvo of how to behave and how to respond when we aren't quite sure what do to or how to do it or what to say.
Simply put, it means living in the present and paying attention and having an open heart and mind.
The recipe I like to use (especially when I have a full cupboard of ingredients) is a cup of gratitude, a measure of tolerance, a helping of paitence and a pinch or two or three of apologies, along with a topping of sincere thanks.
What's your recipe for grace and politesse? Let us know your special sauce.
(In the meantime - check out Smythson's Guide to Everyday Stationery; and anything by the great Southern writer Flannery O'Connor or the Dean of Western writing Wallace Stegner.)
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